Many couples have bought into the lie that says, “I have normal, legitimate needs, some of which can only be met in my spouse. When my marriage is functioning as it should, those needs are met and I feel fulfilled, whole and complete.”
We’ve discovered that a key portion of this belief is a lie. Such thinking can even be fatal to marriage relationships when people get in the habit of telling themselves that they need their spouse to meet their needs or they will be incomplete.
This lie violates three important truths. Let’s examine each truth to see where the errors exist.
You are made whole in Christ
If you are a follower of Christ, your faith in Him redeems you and He completes you. Therefore, you don’t need another person to fill you up, and you don’t need anything from your spouse to fully be who God created you to be.
The New Testament teaches that Christians have been made complete by Christ. Paul explained how this worked and warned us against believing otherwise:
See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him. (Colossians 2:8-10)
Of course, this does not mean you are perfect or sinless, or that you have everything you need or want. But it clarifies that you don’t need another person to complete you or what you are called to accomplish.
Most relational “needs” are actually desires
As humans we all have legitimate needs. However, the most basic definition of a need is something we can’t live without.
To survive, we need food, water, shelter, plus a few more things. And we truly can’t live without God — our life, our purpose, our strength, our love and so much more are all dependent upon Him.
In our human relationships, though, most of what we typically call needs are actually just very strong preferences. For instance, I (Bob) do need to be loved. In fact, I am deeply loved by God. But do I need to be loved by my wife, Jenni? Truthfully, no! Now I very much want to be loved by Jenni, but whether she loves me has no dependence on whether I can fully be who I was created to be. Without her love I would be genuinely sad and deeply heartbroken, yet being heartbroken is not life-threatening.
So why does this matter? Because in reality, love is not about need — love is about desire! This commonly causes friction and heartache in marriage is when we mistakenly think of our desires — though they’re important — as needs.
As an adult, you are fully responsible for yourself
Couples tell us that this simple truth is probably the most empowering and transformative concept we show them at our marriage intensives.
The concept of caring for yourself can be troubling for many Christians as it can seem self-centered. But the Bible never says that humans are devoid of any goodness. In fact, we are so valuable that Jesus not only died for us, but He also assumed we were actively caring for ourselves. Matthew 22:39 says, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
For me, Bob, to be the best Bob I can be and have the personal resources to serve God well and give generously, I have to be full. I need to care for the basics and get enough nutrition, rest and exercise to stay physically healthy. I need to exercise my mind to stay mentally healthy. I’m way more effective in everything when I regularly maintain my walk with God and remain spiritually healthy. And I need to tend to my heart to stay emotionally healthy. That is what it means to be a responsible adult.
Jesus came to make our lives complete, while our enemy Satan seeks to diminish us and make us fully dependent on other people. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Don’t fall for the lie that you need someone to complete you and make your life full — there’s freedom in full dependence on God.
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
© 2021 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.
Adapted from Nine Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2020 by Dr. Robert Paul and Dr. Greg Smalley.
