A couple of days ago, I noticed an advertisement on social media for a marriage program. The ad was titled “How to Win Your Wife Back.” For some reason, this title landed on me in a strange way. For full disclosure, I know nothing about this program.
For all I know, they could be very solid in their counsel. However, the title left me thinking and somewhat disturbed. Possibly because there is a dangerous pathway here. Perhaps you’re in a situation where you are looking to win your wife back.
Maybe you’ve violated her trust. You may be someone who has stepped outside of their marriage in infidelity. It could be that she’s been trying to get your attention for years and now she’s had her fill. It’s even possible that your wife is struggling with some of her own demons and you’re part of the carnage left in their wake.
Understanding the Challenge of Winning Back Trust
Regardless of the reason you’re reading this article, I don’t have a quick fix for you. There isn’t a single button to press, three easy steps to take, or even a magic prayer to recite. Human emotions are so much more complex than that (Proverbs 20:5). That mindset is dangerous because
1) they are short-term fixes that have no staying power, 2) they are focused where we don’t have power – over our wives’ thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs, and 3) are actually a form of manipulation – “if I do this, I expect this in return.”
Whenever we experience any type of wall in a relationship, we feel threatened because we want connection, peace, harmony, happiness, etc. So when a wall goes up, we don’t always respond in a way that is helpful. Consider some of the typical reactions to walls:
– Try to tear it down. We may try to force our spouse to come out from behind the wall and convince them to talk, trust, relax, etc.
– Throw grenades over the wall. We may become angry after time and begin to criticize, belittle, or demean the person behind the wall.
– Bang our head against the wall. We become singularly focused on this wall and may practically beg for our wife to bring it down.
– Give up. Eventually, we might even find ourselves wanting to just give up and walk away, convinced that the wall will never come down.
Do any of these responses sound familiar?
One of the problems with these reactions to a wall is that they further erode safety. If you think about it, the only reason we really erect walls at all is because we don’t feel safe. This could be emotional, spiritual, mental, or even physical safety. But when safety is gone, walls go up. So imagine that if your wife’s wall goes up – how do any of the above reactions create more safety? They all actually do the opposite.
Respecting Boundaries in Marriage Restoration
At Hope Restored, we encourage men who find themselves on the outside of a wall to start with two things.
Honor the wall. I know this sounds counterintuitive given that the wall prohibits connection. However, I would encourage you to consider that it is in your best interest if your wife begins to feel safe – and you respecting, even honoring the space she needs, is a necessary first step to her achieving that. Honoring a wall doesn’t mean that you ignore each other.
Offering “bids” at connection are great. You can invite her to talk but when she doesn’t open that door, respect that. Jesus responds to our own walls in a similar manner. He says in Revelation 3:20, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.” Yet, He does not force the door open. He is patient and honors our own free will.
Wait well with integrity. Honoring her wall doesn’t mean that you must sit in despair until the wall comes down. In fact, that is not sustainable. But it does mean that you wait well with integrity. Waiting well means that you are attending to the areas where you actually have power. Waiting well isn’t twiddling your thumbs – it’s being proactive.
It’s taking good care of yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s spending time with the Lord and allowing Him to speak into your life – encouragement, comfort, challenges, etc. “With Integrity” means that I am able to show up as a whole, complete person and be the man that God has designed me to be. How I show up shouldn’t be dependent on how my wife.
Embracing Patience and Personal Growth
Honoring her wall and waiting well still isn’t a magic pill. There is no guarantee that she will feel safe enough to begin to bring her walls down. Because we are all married to individuals with free will, no such thing will ever exist. But what gives me the best chance is to show up safe. It may take some time.
I would caution you against even thinking of it as earning her trust because I don’t have power or control over whether she trusts me. The only area where I have power lies within me – to be a trustworthy person by being a good steward of me. Consider Jesus’ words in Matthew 10:16b, “be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”
Ryan Pannell is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist and a licensed minister. Prior to coming to Focus on the Family, he was the Director of Counseling at Doulos Ministries in Branson, Missouri, for 6 years. Previously, Ryan was the founder and director of the Woodland Hills Counseling Center in Branson. He was also a Baptist minister in Oklahoma for 6 years before entering the counseling profession. Ryan and his wife Brenda have been married since 1996 and have 1 daughter, 3 sons and a son-in-law
