Shortly after saying ‘I do,’ we discovered that traits we once found endearing became outright annoying. Then you add children, financial stress, and the busyness of life; suddenly, you begin to realize you don’t have time for yourself or your spouse.
Soon, the only thing in focus is a broken and disconnected marriage in need of repair. Without the proper attention and care, these things can build and cause you to feel overwhelmed, alone, helpless, and maybe even hopeless.
Although I can’t guarantee how things will turn out, the fact you are here searching for ways to fix your marriage suggests there is an openness to the possibility of something different, and that is a place to start!
Embracing the Three Journeys to Save Your Marriage
At Hope Restored, we describe marriage as an adventure of three simultaneous journeys: mine, yours, and ours. Ideally, each spouse is on a personal journey toward wholeness, and the relationship journey is nurtured and tended to by both.
Sometimes the sense of helplessness and powerlessness we feel in marriage is the result of a skewed perspective of where power and responsibility lie. I have zero power to change my spouse. Furthermore, I have zero responsibility to do so. I didn’t grow up with that understanding.
So, when I realized my spouse’s care and wellbeing were not my responsibility but were things I could support and care about instead of take care of, I was able to focus on my own journey toward wellness, which ultimately improved my marriage because I showed up healthier and safer with my spouse.
It is possible this view of marriage may be new to you. So, let’s look at some ways you can begin the journey of caring for your personal and relationship journeys, while entrusting your spouse’s journey to God:
Prioritizing Safety and Self-Awareness in Your Marriage
- Proceed at the speed of safety: I don’t know you or the circumstances of your marriage. So, I want to be clear that physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual safety must be your number one priority. When safety exists, openness and vulnerability naturally occur and ultimately lead to intimacy (knowing and being known). On the contrary, lack of safety in any or all these areas destroys connection.
- Prioritize your vertical relationship: Our relationship with God comes before our relationship with others, including our spouse (Mark 12:30-31). When we are in pain, the focus can shift to figuring out how to fix things in our own power. This can be a distraction that Satan uses to further isolate us from God, ourselves, and each other. God blessed you with your spouse, who can be a significant resource. However, God is your primary source. He never intended for your spouse to replace Him in your heart and life.
- Nurture self-awareness and engage in self-care: Self-awareness is the process of knowing and understanding yourself. Who you are, what you believe, what you need, what feels safe, what feels threatening, etc., are things you come to know about yourself when you focus on you. Remaining in this posture uniquely prepares you to attend to and take steps to effectively care well for yourself. Spouses in unhealthy relationships often share they have lost themselves and no longer know who they are.
Deepening Intimacy Through Heart Talks
- Implement heart talks: As safety and self-awareness develop, share your heart (longings, hopes, fears, and hurts) with your spouse. Heart talks foster intimacy by allowing you the opportunity to be known by your spouse. They are also a great tool to help you advocate for your heart. A couple of tips to help you level up in these conversations: keep the message about your heart and not about what your spouse did or said; exercise the “power of one” by calling for a timeout if buttons get pushed; and practice self-awareness and self-care to attend to your heart when a pause is needed, as this will allow you to resume the conversation and continue to build intimacy when it is safe to do so.
Addressing the Root Issues to Revitalize Your Marriage
- Get to the root of the issues: I encourage you to invest time and energy in identifying and attending to the root of the issues. I am going to share with you a common misconception about issues in marriage: “The issues you think are the issues are not really the issues.” See if any of these statements sound familiar: “my spouse and I are too different to be happy;” “my spouse never helps around the house;” “my spouse nags and tries to control me;” “my spouse never talks to me”; etc. The list of “issues” I could insert here is expansive. However, identifying and focusing on those things only serves to turn up the heat on the pain and frustration you feel, and removes the opportunity to attend to what is really going on under the surface.
Seeking Support and Embracing Hope for Your Marriage
- Seek professional guidance: Earlier in this article, I referenced the three journeys represented in marriage. The wounds for all three matter and are worthy of care. If you have struggled to manage alone and feel powerless, I recommend seeking spiritual counsel from your pastor or a counselor to support you on your journey.
There is hope for personal healing and restoration of your relationship with your spouse. It is not uncommon for people to lose sight of hope and begin to feel powerless after having tried everything they know to do to fix their marriage. Although I don’t know what your outcome will be, I do know God loves you and He is for you, and He longs to give you wisdom (James 1:5) and peace (Jeremiah 29: 11).
Jen is a Licensed Professional Counselor dually licensed in Missouri and Texas. She currently serves as the Site Clinical Director for Focus on the Family Hope Restored in Wimberley, Texas. She is passionate about helping couples in crisis to experience individual and relational healing. She has been part of the Hope Restored team since 2022. Prior to that she ran a counseling practice where she specialized in trauma and marriage counseling. Jen and her husband Mark have been married for 16 years and recently moved to Texas to build and serve the team there.
