Before answering the question, let me acknowledge the pain and hopelessness expressed in the question. It often takes long periods of struggle and discouragement to get to the place where it feels hopeless, and seems nothing will ever change. Please know you are not alone in your struggle and that it matters.
The quick answer to the question is, “Yes, there is potential that even the most damaged of relationships can be repaired and healed.”
There is no guarantee. It is not easy. It may take time, and there will be ups and downs, but it is possible.
To give yourself the best chance of restoring hope, consider some of the following:
First, it’s important to know, you are doing something just by asking the question. You are recognizing the state of your relationship and staying open to help. That help may come from many sources including close friends, mentors, pastors, books, podcasts, professional counseling, or other supports and resources.
The key is to try and stay open to the possibility.
Another important key is striving to establish safety. When a marriage feels hopeless, many times the spouses are saying it no longer feels safe to be vulnerable together. A healthy marriage thrives off emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and relational safety.
Safety in these areas can contribute to both spouses feeling cared for and honored in their value and vulnerability. A safe relationship is one where both spouses can be who they are, and where they are, and it matters.
This means both of you, as individuals, actively pursue growth to become the people God has designed and called you to be, and both invest in nurturing and developing your relationship. While there are many things to help safety increase, there are three things in particular to keep in mind: Caring for yourself, caring about your spouse, and caring for your team.
Restoring Hope to Your Marriage by Caring for yourself
Prioritizing self-care is important to our safety and well-being. We are created as vessels (bodies) that need to be filled each and every day as we pour out to give. If we don’t replenish ourselves can lead to depletion, emptiness, and exhaustion. If we don’t give, we become stale and stagnant. Operating at our best is crucial, especially in a world that is already challenging.
Without daily self-care, these challenges become even more daunting. The threats can seem greater and your ability to manage them diminishes. When you fill, you are better able to advocate for your needs and desires. You can set healthy boundaries understand your limits, refrain from taking responsibility for the behavior of others, become who you are meant to be. As a result, you can love others more completely.
When you operate out of your fullness, you are safer to navigate this life—even if the world around you hasn’t changed.
When is the last time you took an honest assessment of how well you are truly caring for you?
Consider seeing yourself as having a few parts that make the whole—mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. Now, think through how you invest in each of these areas. What energizes you, brings life, and fills your cup in these areas?
After taking an honest assessment of how you are doing in each area, consider engaging in things that fill you up and dropping anything that doesn’t.
Remember that when you energize, you will most likely be able to make a better assessment of safety in your life and have much more to give. (Mark 12:30-31; Matthew 12:34-40)
Restoring Hope by Caring About Your Spouse
We are safer together when we learn to truly care about one another. As you care for yourself, then you are in a much better place to genuinely care about your mate. It is likely you have been hurt by your spouse which is contributing to the hopelessness you feel.
When we are hurt by our spouse it is hard to be caring.
Believe it or not, your spouse is a human being who likely hurts and is scared, too. No matter how tough, angry, or indifferent they may seem, there is likely hidden vulnerability.
Would you be willing to try and understand what your spouse is going through? It doesn’t excuse any bad behavior or negate your pain, but it helps you to know them and them to know you. Sometimes when we simply meet at the place of pain together, it makes a difference.
The Golden Rule applies here (Matthew 7:12), if you desire care, then show it to others. This is not done manipulatively, but genuinely from a place of love and compassion in you. Having a hard time getting there? Ask God to help you, He can restore hope in your marriage. After all, He commands us to love because He first loved us (John 13:34-35).
Caring for Your Team (Your Marriage)
You are both safer when you honor and invest in the team you have together–your marriage. Given that you are potentially feeling hopeless in your marriage, it may seem there is no team.
However, when you said the words, “I do,” you established a covenant relationship with your spouse to become a team, one flesh (Mark 10:6-9).
Think about what makes a great team—each teammate bringing their talents and gifts, playing their individual role while honoring the role of the other, communicating, pursuing a common purpose, etc. When our marriages reflect a great team, we have a better chance of having a healthy experience with one another. When we value and honor the team, we are safer.
Would you be willing to start today to look at what it would take to be a great teammate in your marriage? What would it take to treat your spouse in an honoring way as your teammate while also honoring yourself? If you are willing to see your marriage as a team, then strive to make decisions that honor you both, what you will have is a win-win solution. No one on your team is losing.
Two final things can help. And while I list them last, they are primary: prayer and community. Either start or keep praying. Life may seem bleak and hopeless, but God lets us know that in Him there is hope (1 Peter 1:3-6). Second, either invite or keep inviting others to pray with and for you. There is something quite powerful about the support of others as we walk this journey (Hebrews 10:24-25).
Deeply damaged and broken relationships can find hope.
This is not easy or guaranteed. However, it is possible. It takes work and, believe it or not, one person making changes has potential to make a significant difference.
Consider putting the things mentioned above into practice and see what happens. Let God guide you on how long you keep trying, and perhaps He will turn your ashes into beauty (Isaiah 61:1-3).
For more information about creating a safer relationship, consider reading 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage: And the Truths That Will Save It and Set It Free
For help restoring hope to your marriage, consider Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored intensives
If your hopelessness comes from a concern about the potential of abuse in your relationship, consider the following: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/is-this-domestic-abuse/
Brett Sparks is a licensed psychologist providing intensive therapy to married couples since 2003. It is his deepest desire to serve Christ and to see people and relationships healed and transformed. He has served as Clinical Director of Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored since October 2021. Brett and his wife Jenn married in 1993. They now enjoy their empty nest as they cheer for their three young adult children in their life and career adventures.
