There isn’t really a measurement by which we can ascertain our success as husbands.
We have metrics in almost everything we do. If we do our job well, we get promotions and raises. If we do it poorly, we get called out. In sports, we either score more points than our opponents or we lose. We get either criticized or complemented.
We experience success or failure.
So naturally, we look for metrics that tell us whether or not we are being successful husbands. One of the main metrics that many of us fall for in marriage is the happiness of our wives.
In actuality, this is a very damaging metric to use. The old cliché, “Happy wife, happy life” has hurt marriage more than you might think. Seeking to please our wives is problematic in several ways.
- We don’t give them room for painful or uncomfortable emotions. Emotions are deep and complex and not always pleasant to experience. If we are expecting our wives to only be happy, we don’t know how to respond when they are not.
- Husbands lose their own voice. If marriage is meant to be a partnership, both voices have to matter.
- We miss out on intimacy. If intimacy is knowing and being known, a large part of that is knowing each other’s vulnerabilities, hurts and fears. Pleasing our wives bypasses this opportunity to be with them at their most vulnerable times.
So if pleasing our wives isn’t the goal for husbands, what should the goal be? The answer is quite simple: love them well. Here are a few tips for how to love your wife well.
- Take good care of yourself. You are at your best as a husband when you are in a well-cared for state. This means spending time with the Lord allowing Him to fill up your tank so you’re not running on empty. Taking good care of ourselves involves spiritual, physical, emotional and mental self-care.
- Be a good listener. Good listeners aren’t “speakers-in-waiting.” Good listeners listen. Speakers-in-waiting aren’t really listening because they are busy preparing their response, rebuttal or solution. To be a good listener, try to key in on hearing what it feels like to be them. Listen for emotion words, empathize with them and then try summarizing what you heard.
- Try to view conflict as an opportunity to get to know your wife better and operate as a team. Don’t allow the enemy to convince you that conflict is bad or that your wife is an enemy. As individuals, it would be silly to believe that we would naturally agree on everything. When we disagree, it actually gives us a chance to have both voices heard and to corroborate on a solution that would probably be better than just hers or yours alone.
- Accept her for who she is. Psalm 139 reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were not on the design committee when your wife was created and have never been given a seat on that committee. It is occupied by God alone. Rather than trying to change her into who you want her to be, celebrate who God designed her to be. Make a list of all of the positive qualities you see in her and celebrate that she is designed in God’s image. When we try to make them who they aren’t we are actually in violation of another person’s boundaries, which is like trespassing.
- Allow her to have bad days without personalizing it. Give her space or even just ask how you can help. Try not to give advice or criticize her for having a bad day or even a bad week. Don’t make assumptions that it has anything to do with you.
Loving our spouse doesn’t always come easy. But loving another person is when we are most like Christ. We’re not called to be martyrs in our marriage, but we are called to love just as Christ loved the Church.
Ryan Pannell is a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist and a licensed minister. He is currently the Site Clinical Director for Hope Restored in Branson, Missouri. Prior to coming to Focus on the Family, he was the Director of Counseling at Doulos Ministries in Branson, Missouri, for 6 years. Previously, Ryan was the founder and director of the Woodland Hills Counseling Center in Branson. He was also a Baptist minister in Oklahoma for 6 years before entering the counseling profession. Ryan and his wife Brenda have been married since 1996 and have 1 daughter, 3 sons and a son-in-law.
