Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
We have all been in a relationship where we feel emotionally invalidated. We fear showing our true selves, worrying that if we did, we wouldn’t be accepted. It wouldn’t be safe. Unfortunately, this can happen over time in a marriage relationship as well. Perhaps we entered marriage hoping things would improve, only to find they didn’t. Or something happened along the way that changed the dynamic, and now we can’t connect. No matter what caused it, we don’t feel safe being our true selves in the relationship that should be our most intimate and enduring: our marriage.
The Importance of Safety in Relationships
Safety is of the utmost importance in every human relationship, and we understand this especially in terms of physical safety. If someone physically threatens us, we recognize the need for distance. Creating that distance can be difficult, especially in domestic situations. However, emotional safety is often harder to understand and manage due to our limited understanding of emotions and how to handle them. This gap in understanding leads to feelings of invalidation, where others do not value our emotional selves.
Emotional Guidance in Our Culture
Our culture presents two distinct views on emotions. One perspective advocates full trust in emotions without hesitation. The phrase “follow your heart” is widespread in various media. It has even influenced some churches and counseling theories.
This view may lead to a whimsical life approach, focused on the present moment. But it can be unsafe when it clashes with a spouse’s feelings, possibly harming the relationship. Such a view is impactful in all relationships, but especially in marriage. If one does not share their spouse’s emotions, cultural norms may suggest they are not “meant to be together.” This can lead to feelings of emotional invalidation, often accompanied by phrases like “I don’t want you to feel that way,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way.” These well-intentioned comments can lead to emotional invalidation.
They may prevent one from following their heart, potentially ending the relationship or causing significant turmoil and disconnection.
The Skepticism of Emotions Creates Invalidation
The other prevalent message in our culture, and has made its way in some church teachings, is skepticism towards emotions. The belief is that emotions should not be trusted, particularly in decision-making.
This mindset has historical roots in stoicism. We admire those who appear to make logical decisions without emotional influence. Literature is filled with fictional characters celebrated for their detachment from emotion and adherence to logic.
In marriage, this can leave spouses feeling invalidated for their intense emotions. They often face critiques like “You’re too emotional,” or “We need to remove the emotion to see clearly.” Such emotional invalidation can lead to a disconnect between partners.
Couples may feel as if they are merely roommates or business partners, putting their marriage at risk.
Thriving Martial Relationships Without Emotional Invalidation
For marital relationships to thrive, we must discard the existing models of emotions and find a new path for true connection.
Couples need to understand that emotions provide information about themselves and each other. This understanding opens the door to emotional safety within the relationship.
Emotions are God’s gift to us, alerting us to the state of our hearts. Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to guard our hearts diligently because they are the wellspring of life. It’s vital to listen to and comprehend our hearts for the sake of emotional safety in a relationship.
Jesus underlined this when he taught the Pharisees that our words reflect our hearts’ abundance (Matthew 12:34). He further taught that what emanates from the heart could defile a person, not what is consumed (Matthew 15:17-18). We must nurture the content of our hearts so they can yield good fruit.
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety arises when we care for our own heart, evaluating the information about ourselves and discerning God’s direction. Connecting with this insight improves how we engage with the world and, more importantly, with our spouse.
Being conscious of our heart’s content and God’s work within us allows us to genuinely understand our spouse’s emotions. We don’t need to alter our emotions to suit each other.
Instead, emotional validation involves listening to, and empathizing with, our spouse’s feelings.
Empathy means considering whether we could feel the same, or recalling similar past emotions. Validation comes in expressing appreciation or acceptance of what our spouse has shared with us, without attempting to change, correct, or convince them of anything else in the moment.
Overcoming Emotional Invalidation
When we allow for that kind of emotional connection we can further reveal the heart of God to each other. You see, God is an emotional being. Scripture, including both the Old and New Testaments, expresses His emotions.
He demonstrates feelings like jealousy, anger, delight, and sadness, to name a few. By engaging with our emotions and encouraging our spouse to do the same, we echo God’s heart. After all, He originated these emotions. It’s important to recognize that our emotional experience is flawed, as our minds are, as stated in Jeremiah 17:9-10.
Therefore, emotions need attention to bring them back into alignment with God’s good purposes. We do this by speaking truth and love into our own situations and understanding what is happening in our own lives, so we can grow in maturity. (Ephesians 4:15)
Connecting With Our Emotions
Many of us have received incomplete information about emotions and emotional health, leading to relationship problems in our marriages.
When we connect to those emotions and deal with them from a Biblical perspective we have opportunity to see more of God and experience His blessings in our lives. When we experience those blessings in our own lives then we have opportunity to connect with our spouse and share those blessings with them.
This equips us to cultivate a relationship that directly reflects God’s relationship with us for His own glory.
Ryan Rose is an Intensive Therapist with Focus on the Family, Hope Restored. He has been married to his wife Joanna for 21 years. Prior to becoming a counselor Ryan spent 8 years in pastoral ministry as an associate pastor as well as a lead pastor. He and his wife enjoy spending time together outdoors with their four children, doing everything from hunting and fishing to growing a large garden.
For Further Reading
9 Lies That Can Destroy Your Marriage – by Greg Smalley and Robert S. Paul
Soul Talk – by Larry Crabb
