Embracing Personal Growth for Marriage Counseling
The marriage-counseling appointment has been set, and now your mind may be filled with thoughts such as “What will it be like and how do I prepare for this?” If communication within the marriage has become minimal or unproductive, celebrate that the mutual decision has been made to attend marriage counseling. Participating in marriage counseling is rarely an easy decision. Making the appointment is an excellent beginning! Pause here to acknowledge this step.
In preparation, there are steps you can take to make the most of the marriage-counseling experience. Let me share some things you can personally do to get ready. A future article will delve into relational preparations.
Right now, you can begin to pray for personal development. This prayer is not “Lord please prepare my spouse’s heart for counseling and remove the scales from their eyes so that they can see that I am right.” Instead, pray for humility, vulnerability, openness, and transparency in your own heart, mind, and expressions. Pray that your spouse will feel heard and known. You can also pray for the therapist.
Ideally, marriage counseling includes the presence of two individuals: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. However, the need for counseling may indicate that these levels of presence are diminished. Both parties may have differing values in each area, and communication may already be strained. Consider what is within your sphere of control.
Preparing Your Heart and Mind
Preparing for marriage counseling begins with posturing your heart for personal responsibility and ownership is crucial as you think about the upcoming session. Acknowledge that you are two unique and hurting individuals. No one can ‘make’ another individual ‘show up’ fully in the four levels of presence. Assume full responsibility for your part and trust the process for your spouse’s journey.
Prepare to use “I” language. Practice this with friends, family, and your spouse, even in your thoughts. Notice how often you think or say ‘we’—and you are speaking for your spouse. “We don’t parent with the same approach” becomes “I don’t parent like my spouse.” This encourages personal responsibility and ownership and can reduce the time spent correcting the story from two perspectives.
Setting the Scene: Mental and Emotional Preparation
Consider prioritizing the most pressing topics by importance. Organize your thoughts in a new notebook specifically for your marriage therapy and bring it to the session. This can help keep you focused and clear when emotions or thoughts become confusing.
Compare these two examples of a spouse speaking to the therapist:
Storytelling version:
“I was telling my friends a story at the party, and I saw my spouse signaling to cut the conversation short. Afterward, we had a heated exchange filled with complaints.”
Emotional focus version:
“At the party, I felt humiliated when my spouse gestured to me. I was afraid my friends would discredit my story. I wanted the freedom to be myself.”
The first example is burdened with storytelling. The second is focused on the emotional message, which is crucial for understanding and healing.
The Journey of Marriage Counseling: What to Expect
When you are preparing for marriage counseling, remember, most marriage counseling sessions are 50-minute blocks, with the remaining 10 minutes of the hour for the therapist’s notes. The initial appointment will likely include an introduction from the therapist and may require individual assessments.
Reflect on your background as some life experiences may influence the marriage. If experiences prior to the marriage are unresolved, consider individual therapy separate from marriage counseling.
Nurturing Your Marriage: Preparing on All Fronts
Preparing includes being aware of your physical state, such as getting enough rest, eating balanced meals, staying hydrated, and having quiet time to improve focus. When real-world demands encroach, take a moment to center yourself with a deep breath and self-encouragement: “I can do this, I am strong, I can be present, I want my marriage to succeed, the kids are fine, God is present.”
Intentional planning for marriage counseling can lead to feeling heard and seen and experiencing a productive meeting time. It may be the first step in achieving the marriage you long for.
Shar Schroyer is a therapist on staff at Hope Restored, Greenville Michigan. She has worked in the psychology field since 1985. Married since 1982, she has 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren.
